GODDDDDD I'M GOING SOZ CRAZAY

That's true love. Just replace Hayden Panettiere with me and that's everlasting love. I had a dream that Kristen Bell and I fell in love. And it was real. Then I woke up with three cats laying on me. "GODDAMN MY LIFE!"

I am so glad I only have to work until 2 am for ONE MORE DAY. It's literally driving me up the wall. I've been scratching my eyes all night and snorting at funny music blogs, AND SINGING BON JOVI SHIT FOR FUN. I'm doing this FOR FUN. I'm creepy out my co-workers. I'm in need of some "surious" TLC. Someone needs to hold me, and I don't care if that someone is a straitjacket. Forshizz.

You know, I wonder this a lot, but, like, why do people come to me for advice? I've dropped out of college (twice). I don't go to class. I'm failing Chemistry (for all intents and purposes). I'm poor. I burn money like cigarettes. I smoke too many cigarettes. I'm drunk every day of my life. I've had three failed relationships and one of which turned me into a lunatic. I have no motivation, no dreams. I have drug problems. I'm clinically depressed with anxiety/panic issues. I only like straight girls, a.k.a. girls who will hurt me. I don't understand how to follow through. There is a bench warrant out for my arrest (and probs another one). I don't understand a Friday night if it doesn't involve me getting way too wasted for my own good. I get belligerent with people I shouldn't get belligerent with, a.k.a. cops. I don't know what I want out of life. I have three cats. In an efficiency apartment. I bounce from one mood to the other. I can't focus on anything, except what's wrong with me.

BASICALLY, why ME? It's like getting the answers to life from a methmouth bum. GOOD IDEA. But hey, at least I don't hate my life anymore. I actually quite like how my life is going right now. It was worse... 2 months ago. A LOT worse.

WOOOO... crazy talk!

Listening to "Summer Song" by YACHT. As in the other half of the Blow that isn't a cute gay girl.

Birthday playlist time!

1. "Valerie" by Mark Ronson ft. Amy Winehouse.
2. "Get Better" by Mates of State.
3. "Family Reunion (feat. David Banner)" by Kid Sister.
4. "Hey, Girl" by Figurines.
5. "Id Engager (Mad Decent Remix)" by Of Montreal.
6. "Little Bit" by Lykke Li.
7. "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. :)
8. "Dust Me Off" by Tilly and the Wall.
9. "Womanizer (The Teenagers Remix)" by Britney Spears.
10. "Eyes" by Rogue Wave.
11. "Breaking It Up" by Lykke Li.
12. "If You Want Blood" by Mark Kozelek.
13. "Lovesick" by Friendly Fires.
14. "The Funeral" by Band of Horses.
15. "Be A Star" by Oh No Oh My.
16. "I Found A Reason" by Cat Power.
17. "Standing in the Way of Control" by the Gossip.
18. "Lust For Life" by Girls.
19. "Wonderwall" by Ryan Adams. (Sooo good.)
20. "Born in the 80s" by the Boat People.
21. "Stop Me" by Mark Ronson ft. Daniel Merriweather.
22. "Consequence" by the Notwist. (Probably one of my favorite, favorite songs of all time.)

Malipine time!

Instead I'm just crazy, and fucked in the head.

Song of the Day: "Lust for Life" by Girls. I woke up and HAD to listen to this song. And then I HAD to dance around in the bath tub to it, which scared my cats.

Maybe if I really try with all of my heart, then I can make a brand new start in love with you.

I really need to stop coming to work drunk or something. It hurts.

Ahhh, I've now got a deadline for finishing Madeline's CD. It's getting very tricky, because I'm running out of fresh songs to put on it. I need new music very badly. However, I will finish it. It will be great. I have confidence.

And everything's going to the beat.

Every time I hear "Sleepyhead" by Passion Pit, it gives me goosebumps. STILL! It's just so... enthralling. And it takes me back to a different time in my life, even though it was only about 4 months. I can't believe it's almost been 4 months. That's a third of a year. I love music that can take me to an exact location at an exact time. It's like timetraveling through the notes, and the beats, through the sonic landscape. It's exhilarating, and unnerving at the same time. In any event, "Sleepyhead" is more bittersweet than bitter. And the video is so cool.

I WISH I COULD GO TO SLEEP AT A DECENT HOUR. I need a new job. I need to do better at school. Go to class. Do homework. FUCK ME.

Song of the Day/Life: "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. Don't hate. It's the perfect song for this point in my life, it just gets everything out there. Plus, I LOVE singing at the top of my lungs in my car to that song. People who have been passengers in my car know this about me.

I wish I had a working computer that doesn't belong to the library. There is so much music out there for me to discover, but I just can't reach it! It makes it very difficult for me to make mix cds for people.

I'm FINALLY at the point in my life where I don't think I need a girlfriend to be happy. Probably because I was generally unhappy when I did have a girlfriend, and I'm happier now without one. I'm problem-minded. I know what's bad for me, I know what's wrong in my life, I just have trouble finding a solution I can actually carry out. Jumping is always the hardest part. But I jumped in one area of my life, now I need to jump in the others.

Is it just me, or is Heroes getting absolutely frustrating? Season 1 was perfect! It had great character development, plot development. I don't know what the fuck is going on with this season. The next episode, titled "Villains", is a flashback episode and it better clear shit up for me, or I'ma be pissed.

Birds pass by to tell me that I'm not alone.

Song of the Day:
"Eyes" by Rogue Wave.


But one thing I'm missing, is in your eyes.

Only in dreams..

So, once upon a time, I went onto dreammoods.com rather frequently in an attempt to interpret my dreams and put the results on my old blog. WHICH I CAN'T USE ANYMORE, but so it goes.

I'm going to try that again! First...

To dream that you car has been stolen, indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, yes.

To see ice in your dream, suggests that you are lacking a flow of ideas and thoughts. You are not seeing in progress in your life. Alternatively, you may be feeling emotionally paralyzed or rigid. You need to let your feelings be known.

To dream that you are walking on ice, indicates that you are standing on shaky or instable ground. You are taking risks that you shouldn't be taking. Fear and caution are also implied.

To dream that you fall through ice, suggests that your emotions are threatening to come crashing through.

Uh, huh!

To see aliens in your dream , signifies that you are having difficulties adapting and adjusting to your new surroundings. You are feeling "alienated" and invaded. You are also having difficulties in how to handle or deal with a certain situation or person. On a psychological level, seeing aliens may represent an encounter with an unfamiliar or neglected aspect of your own self.

Intriguing!

To dream that you witness a murder, indicates deep-seated anger towards somebody. Consider how the victim represents aspects of yourself that you want to destroy or eliminate.

Hmmm. See, this one doesn't really work, because the men who fell in love with the dead Tom Cruise lookalikes tried to kill their wives, but I don't think it came to fruition.

To see a helicopter in your dream, represents your ambition and achievements. You are in full pursuit of your goals.

To dream that you are in a helicopter, indicates that you are living beyond your means. You need to slow down and don't try to please everyone. Alternatively, you may be experiencing a higher level of consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness.

That almost makes me feel better about myself! Yay!

To dream that you are in possession of or taking drugs, signifies your need for a "quick fix". You may be turning to a potentially harmful alternative as an instant escape from your problems. Ask yourself why you need the drugs. What do you hope the drugs will achieve for you?

Right... not exactly, but okay.

To dream of an old or former lover, signifies unfinished/unresolved issues related to that specific relationship. Your current relationship may be awakening some of those same issues.

Well, that's a yes and no. Depends on who you're talking about, of course. And only I know! Mwhahahha.


Song of the Day: "Bad Education" by Tilly and the Wall.

Everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better.

Song of the Day: "Get Better" by Mates of State.

You know what, barf. That's right, I said it. BARF. I hate shitheads.

It's day like... 500 of I Hate My Life. Except not really, because the counter starts at the Wolf Parade concert. That is the night I decided I hate my life. Laddy da, laddy da.

You know what, Mastering Chemistry sucks. And I hate it, because I'm not mastering Chemistry at all. It's just leading me on, LIKE A WOMAN. LIKE A FUCKING WOMAN.

I've got tons of pent-up hostility right now, and I'm letting State St. know all about it.

At least I got to see my mommy today. I love my mommy.

I'm coming up only to show you wrong.

Thanks to the wonderful creation that is Pandora, I've been able to listen to music while I study on computers that aren't my shitty laptop AND I've found new songs! Yay!

M.I.A. radio yielded the kickass "Dirty Laundry" by Bitter:Sweet.
Sia radio-> "Don't Wait" by Dri (Pop).
Of Montreal radio-> "Anyone" by Moving Units.
Mates of State radio-> "Ponce de Leon" by Splitsville.

Alright, this is directed toward one person, and I'm sure this person will assume I am talking to her, because she is vain. And guess what, this song is about you! I know you're visiting this blog, and I'd love it if you stop. Go away!

For someone withdrawing from her medication, I've been feeling pretty good. Except for the fact that is midterm week, and I have a big Oceanography exam tomorrow. I blew my Music Appreciation midterm. I'm sure you're asking, "How is that possible?" Well, I can answer that for you: I'm an idiot! I didn't listen to any of the songs I was supposed to listen to, lol. And I didn't start studying until I woke up at 3:30 this afternoon, and the exam was at 7. Good work..

I'm actually getting a little stressed about doing well in school. Mollie, Nicole, and Megan are going to take me out for a classy night on the town if I make all A's and B's, so I'm actually pretty motivated to do it. And I would just like to show some people wrong.

My mom and brother are coming in town this week to bring me bowls. Ha, my mom thinks I'm living on the streets because I don't own any bowls. I mean, I only have a microwave. And a George Foreman grill that will never be used because I'll never be able to afford meat (that's what she said). And a blender, where the shit is that blender... I have a sneaking suspicion at Nicole's. I have a feeling I will be needing that soon.

Song of the day: "The Funeral" by Band of Horses. I've had this song on a mix CD made for me a while ago, but I heard it on Pandora Sunday, and damn. It really hits you. The title of this post is taken from it. I don't think I need to explain the significance of why I put it there.

It's Friday night, and I ain't got nobody! What's the use in making the bed?

God. Yesterday was fucked-the-fucked-up. First, I get a bunch of really sweet text messages. And then I get a call from Nicole, telling me about Anthony. It's so upsetting, because, like, I knew this guy. I hung out with this guy. But he always took so many risks with things, and I worried about him. And then something like this happens. It didn't hit me until I saw Megan and Christina. It didn't put a lump in my heart until I saw his obituary. God, there are just some things you don't fuck with. You can't fuck with.

AND I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW SOME PEOPLE THINK. Because someone I know OD'd, obviously I'm going to do something stupid. Get your head out of your asses, it's a reality check more than anything else.

Playlist for Hard Times:
1. "I'm a Realist" by the Cribs.
2. "Walking On A Dream" by Empire of the Sun.
3. "3rd Planet" by Modest Mouse.
4. "Dust Me Off" by Tilly and the Wall.
5. "Lust For Life" by Girls.
6. "Nueva York" by the Coast.
7. "Get Better" by Mates of State.
8. "Hurricane Jane" by Black Kids.
9. "She Was Mine..." by Tahiti Boy & the Palmtrees.
10. "House of Cards" by Radiohead.
11. "Marlon Brando's Laundromat" by Pony Up!.
12. "Think Long" by Mates of State.
13. "Read My Mind" by the Killers.
14. "Dying Is Fine" by Ra Ra Riot.
15. "The Hill, The View, and the Lights" by Cajun Dance Party.
16. "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" by Stars.
17. "This Heart's On Fire" by Wolf Parade.
18. "Metal Heart" by Cat Power.
19. "The Girl You Lost To Cocaine" by Sia.

DISCLAIMER: This playlist hasn't been tested yet.

I want a girl who will laugh for no one else.

OH, GOD.

Well, I've had a hell of a few weeks as of late. And my computer screen has been shitting out on me, so I haven't been able to keep myself updated in terms of new music and such. Which means less posts.

I've had that Weezer song stuck in my head, I don't know the title, but I'm at least 75% sure it is on the Blue Album.

I work at the library again. Which means basic computer access while I'm working the graveyard shift at Circulation.

I'm going off alcohol for at least a week. This started after my massively horrendous hangover from Friday night. If I can do it, everyone can. I need money to drink, so it might be longer than a week. Unless I go crazy and sell my Nintendo DS again. Times like these make me wish I could literally sell my soul.

I have a partial Playlist of the Week going. And it goes a little something like this, HIT IT!
1. "Nueva York" by the Coast.
2. "Metal Heart" by Cat Power.
3. "Get Better" by Mates of State.
4. "Mirando (YACHT Remix)" by RATATAT.
5. "I'm Good, I'm Gone (Black Kids Remix)" by Lykke Li. (OBSESSED WITH THIS SONG)
6. "Lust For Life" by Girls.

That's all I got right now.

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." Eventually, things will get easier. The puzzle pieces will fit into place and all of this will make sense. But these things only happen when you let them. When you let change overcome you and wash over you. When you let yourself be happy. Mind over matter, right? I really feel like that's just a crock of shit. But I'm at the point in my life where I will give it a chance.

"Everything keeping me together is falling apart,
I got this thing that I consider my only art
of fucking people over."